Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Are you supposed to promise that?

Trainings are required in the adoption process. Three to be exact; two pre-adoption and one post.

I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned it (a sign that these posts are far and few, no?) but I’m finding this process to be quite a lonely one. It’s not daunting in the sense that it’s complex but it has a lot of parts. Parts that would be nice to be able to divvy up. Whenever I go down that path I try to stop myself and just accept that this is the way things are. Easier said than done at times, as most things tend to be. I hadn’t considered that I would be the only single person at the trainings but that’s how things have shaken out. I have to say, sitting by yourself, having no one to literally lean on or someone to whisper to or do the exercises with hasn’t helped that lonely feeling. When I mentioned that, someone said, “But you’re lucky. At least you don’t have to consider the person you’re with wants this as much as you do. You can make decisions without having to check with anyone.” So, grass is greener I suppose.

At the end of the training last week the trainer asked how we were all coping with the wait. One couple said they’re doing a lot of shopping, albeit mostly virtual at this point. They look at cribs and decide which one they’ll buy when it’s time. But they did share that they have bought a few clothes.

I found myself shaking my head and I spoke up and said, “Oh, I can’t do that. I’m coping by just focusing on the paperwork. Obviously I’d like this to end with a baby but I don’t know if that’s really going to happen so I don’t think too much about all those concrete details. I cope by not thinking about it. Because you can’t really promise that, right?” And this is where my voice broke and I found myself tearing up a little which, even in a room full of people who have experienced their own heartbreak(s), was still embarrassing. “I mean, I know you can’t guarantee anything but it would help so much to know if this is really going to happen.”

“It will really happen,” she said. “You will get a baby. You may have to wait a long time but you will.”

I don’t remember what I said but I remember nodding and thinking, “You can’t really say that.” But that may be a lifetime of protective factors coming in to play. Years of working in fields where one is taught to not over promise, to hedge and leave room for having to walk back whatever.

I’m supposed to believe that some day a birth mother will look at my profile and specifically say, “I pick her.” Maybe that I’m single will be appealing, or Latina, or the mother won’t have any set criteria and if I’ve been waiting long enough, I’ll bubble up to the top.

In the meantime, I’ll complete my paperwork, wait, and continue to not shop, virtual or otherwise because, really, who knows what will be.

0 comment(s) | Filed under: Adoption

Sunday, July 09, 2017

What do you write about when you’re afraid to write?

For almost as long as I’ve been blogging, I’ve tried to be careful about what I write about work. When you’re early blogging memories include the knowledge of how the phrase “being dooced” came to be, you learn (or at least I did), to be vague when writing about work - if one even chooses to write about work at all, that is. Add to the already healthy fear of being fired for publishing things online that should best be kept to the confines of the work environment the very real fact that things went downhill quickly during the second half of the last year and that provided no incentive to get back to blogging.

Well, to be clear, all of 2015 and 2016 were anxiety producing both personally and professionally. When I found the new job and moved into my own place in Virginia, with the anticipation of things calming down (and having a personal computer again) I had this idea that I’d be able to turn some of my energy to the blog - both the content and the infrastructure.

I did start writing again, somewhat, as the archives show. I thought, with the start of the adoption process that I would maybe even write about that. But as I work through the (sometimes lonely) process of answering question after question, compiling document after document I find myself worrying about putting too much online. I don’t worry about there being anything technically wrong with my application. I’m not rich by any means but I could afford the care of a child with careful budgeting. That doesn’t set me apart from basically much of the child-having population. I have no worries about the background checks coming back with anything as there isn’t anything to come back. So that really only leaves the faceless, nameless people out there who will be gathering all this information, reviewing and assessing/judging me on my ability to be a good parent. I’m worrying for nothing, I know. The stuff I’ve posted on here, the stuff that’s online isn’t scandalous or even all that interesting and yet, pitted against couples wanting babies, two income families that might be better able to care for a child with less stress or worry about finances, I worry about sharing anything that could land me on the “Does she really think we’d ever pick her?” pile.

And so I don’t write. With not writing about work and not writing about the adoption process what does that leave?

I suppose I could tell you that I’m finally getting around to watching The Wire. Because, why not wait until I’m no longer living in Baltimore to finally get around to watching this iconic piece of entertainment centered around the city I called home for about 6 years? I’m sure that I’ll be able to add a voice to the hundreds of thought pieces already on the web! And have you heard about this actor named Idris Elba? He’s easy on the eyes no? I’m sure he’ll be going places.

Or I could tell you that my latest podcast obsessions right now are Denzel Washington is the greatest actor of all time. Period and Criminal. Because I seem to be the queen of catching on to old content, the Denzel Washington podcast stopped updating back in April, having discussed all of Washingtons oeuvre. But I have about two years worth of content to listen to so no new shows is hardly a problem. By the time I’m done I’m sure I’ll be able to find some other show that was hyped ages ago but that I am just now hearing about.

There is a an abundance of content to immerse oneself in through books, tv, etc that there is just no way to stay on top of everything. Thank goodness for archives, I suppose.

I still haven’t dug into my collection of books as I’ve wanted so that’s still on the to do list. Maybe I should make better attempts at writing at least brief of impressions of what I read; that would help with adding content to the blog and keep the writing muscles in shape. Plans plans plans. Never a shortage of those either!

0 comment(s) | Filed under: Adoption | Dailies

Thursday, May 04, 2017

How does one ace a home study?

I had the first of three visits with the social worker yesterday. To prepare for it, I spent some hours on Sunday and a frantic hour or two on Tuesday night, trying to find a place for all the things I have. Why is it that I always seem to have more stuff than I have actual space for? I know this isn’t unique to me but it certainly feels as if I’ve gotten better about letting go of things. And yet, here I still am, surrounded by things. Though, I do have to give myself a little slack - although I’ve gained a whole apartment, I’ve lost an office. So there are several bins worth of “office” stuff that sat on shelves, waited to be used in drawers, etc. While I now have a home office aka hopefully the kid’s room one day, the available space is taken up with craft supplies and there is no room for many sets of folder tabs. I’m not quite sure what I thought I would be tabbing when I bought those things but that’s neither here nor there.

The visit was only an hour and wasn’t meant to cover much business. It was a chance to meet each other, go over the process a bit, and an opportunity for me to ask some initial questions. I suppose I was nervous; how could one not be when someone is judging their ability to care for another human being? But I didn’t feel that nervous. Not because I’m not petrified that I won’t get a child. Because when I stop to consider that notion I break out in tears. Having spent much of the last couple of years fighting back tears I can tell you I’m pretty tired of it so instead I’ve settled on not thinking too much about it. I can’t say I really feel Zen about it all but I’m pretending to be. Whatever will be, will be. It helps, I suppose, that this part of the process is just a lot of document gathering. The home study could take three months or more, it all depends on how quickly I move along, setting up the references, getting finger printed, writing my bio, etc. I’m obviously doing all of this with the hope that there is a child at the end of the process but the sheer bureaucracy of it all also serves as a bit of a balm. Maybe once I get down to simply waiting for that phone call, then it will all seem really concrete.

The conversation seemed fine; I tried to not focus too much on the note taking. But maybe the nerves finally got to me when she asked me if I was aware and agreed with the agency’s stance on corporal punishment. I laughed and nodded. Yes, I said. I’m aware and have no problem with agreeing that I will not use corporal punishment to discipline a child. I felt the need, then, to explain the humor; that ended up being a couple of minutes of me telling her that pretty much anyone that knows me knows how I feel about corporal punishment. Thankfully she didn’t find my laughter weird. Or if she did she didn’t say anything about it. Which is a good thing because I let out another laugh when she asked me if I keep any firearms in the home. If the idea of me being armed isn’t the most ludicrous thing ever, I don’t know what is.

Let’s see, I won’t go into the answer I gave but I want to note the questions she asked. If I don’t write them down, with my memory being what it is, later I’m liable to think she asked what my favorite color is and my views on Pluto being deemed a non-planet.

- Why did I decide to adopt?
- Why a domestic adoption over an international adoption?
- Have I told my employer about my desire to adopt?
- Have I considered how having a baby will affect my day to day life?
- Have I given any thought to the costs that I am taken on, post-adoption?
- Did I consider adopting an older child?
- General questions about my home, employment, family makeup and health.
- Have I ever been to a therapist?

I think that covers the questions she came prepared to ask. There were others that were follow-ups to information I shared with her. During the second visit we’ll do a more in-depth interview though I’m not sure what else there is to ask. During that visit she’ll also do a walk through of my apartment. I guess I could have saved myself the frantic dash to put stuff away in the bedrooms. But, hey, at least this way I’m ahead of the game for the next visit, whenever that may be. If I want it to be any time soon, I need to get on the ball with completing the documents. As they say in El Salvador, a ponerme las pilas! (Gotta put the batteries in!)

2 comment(s) | Filed under: Adoption

Monday, April 24, 2017

How many cards do I have to sell to be a millionaire?

photo cards

Shutterfly has this promotion via their app that allows one to order 4x4 or 4x6 cards for free, not including shipping. As I unpack and prepare the spare bedroom* for use as an office/craft space, the urge to send snail mail has struck me again. So, the offer of “free” photos seemed serendipitous. I ordered a bunch and I’m here to tell you that when they say unlimited, they mean it. Well, unlimited in the sense that you can order many prints (but only 9 of each at a time). Still, I’m not about to quibble. As the photos have been arriving I’ve been cataloging them. Once I came up with a storage solution (thankfully a couple hundred photos don’t actually take up much space) I realized that maybe I went a little too overboard. With the number of photos I’d ordered, I’d have to write to a good number of people a week to make a dent in the cards. Which isn’t much of a problem, really. It just comes down to focus but having just learned that Bunheads is on Freeform.com yesterday, focusing on snail mail might be hard! Then again, Bunheads was a one season wonder so it’s not as if it’s gonna hold my attention for too too long. So there goes that excuse.

On Saturday, during a discussion of an upcoming fundraiser I had the brilliant idea that maybe I could donate a little time and a lot of photos to the event. “I have,” I said, “a ton of photos that I could turn into greeting cards. Maybe we could sell them at the picnic?”

“Why don’t we auction off one of your photographs?” was the response.

That took me by surprise; after a slight hesitation, I shook my head and said, “No, I think the cards are better.” Ah, insecurity rears it’s ugly head. I don’t know why I am willing to risk none of the cards being bought but am not willing to have a bigger photograph going unclaimed. Maybe it’s just logistics. I’ve done cards before, they’re simply enough and if they don’t sell, I’ll just use them myself. But a bigger photo, I’d want to make sure it prints on good paper, I’d want to mat it well, and get a decent frame. All in a week, when I get home tired and in the mood to just not think or do much. It all seemed like too much energy. Plus, again, there’s the absolute lack of interest in having people not be interested in my artistic eye. I’ve thought about maybe trying to sell stuff online. Every little bit of income coming in now would help. So, if I want to pursue that, I suppose I need to get some tougher skin around the photography skills and get on with enduring some potential rejection.

For now though, I’m gonna just glue some photos to blank cards and scratch the itch to create something in that minimal way.


Sunday, April 16, 2017

And so it begins

I partially completed the first application in the adoption process a few weeks ago but I held off on submitting it because I had a question for the oncologist. Really, I just wanted validation. I’ve often been accused of over thinking things, or being too concrete. I can’t deny either accusation as they are true. One of the sections in the application, naturally enough, is about medical history and one of the questions ask about any current treatments. I knew even before starting the process that I would have to talk about the cancer and the treatment done to get rid of it. When I went to the information meeting the agency folks made a point of saying that most health issues won’t necessarily rule anyone out but I’m a worrier as we know. I’m a worrier and I’m an over thinker and I have this need to be transparent so despite the fact that I was 99.9% sure that my follow ups don’t qualify as treatment I needed/wanted the oncologist to validate that so that I could fill the application out accurately.

With that visit done last week (and two years cancer free) there was no reason to delay submitting the application so submit it I did. Over the weekend I was told it had been approved and that I could now submit payment to get assigned a social worker and schedule the home visit. Sending the payment makes all of this a bit more real though there’s still a part of my brain that’s not quite processing that this is the way that I may be building my family. Maybe that’s just the heart and brain’s way of insulating themselves from possible disappointment. There’s certainly been plenty of that in the last couple of years. The thought of more makes my heart tired.

But, chin up, as they say. Hope is the key to so many things.

One very tangible thing to this process starting is that it’s a good motivator to get my apartment organized. All of the furniture is in but I still have to find a place for a great many tiny things and put the dining room table together. I’ve been a bit slower than anticipated in getting all that done but I certainly can’t have someone do a home visit with all this silliness laying about. It’s going to be a little bit of work but it’ll feel good to be able to complete a tangible, doable task.

1 comment(s) | Filed under: Adoption | Dailies

Sunday, April 09, 2017

Layered Like an Onion

I spent the last two years experiencing levels of anxiety at work that greatly increased last fall. To the point that in October I had my first panic attack in 15 years. As much as I enjoyed my work I was also struggling for reasons that I still don’t feel comfortable discussing in public. Trying to pretend that things were okay or that I could somehow will things to be better was essentially just adding more stress and anxiety. The panic attack was the final sign that I needed to make changes. So I polished up the resume, sent it off into the world and, thankfully, I landed a new job in the beginning of the year that made it possible for me to move back to northern Virginia. While the move to Maryland helped me grow career wise I always had in mind coming back to Va - a short 6.5 years later and I’m back!

It’s funny, in a not comical sense, that I only realized that I was depressed until the anxiety and stress levels went down. Its hard to pinpoint when it started. I just know I finally put a label to it a couple of weeks before my birthday. I used to enjoy my birthdays, to the point that I would countdown to it - on the blog ages ago with a script that ran on the side bar, and then on Facebook despite feeling a little (a lot) silly about it. And then the cancer and the hysterectomy happened. I understood why I wasn’t overjoyed during the 2015 birthday. I even understood why the 2016 birthday didn’t inspire much joy. Plus, I thought, maybe I’ve finally just grown up, gotten to the point where birthdays are nothing special at all. But even as I thought that I knew I was just trying to deny the truth which is, I’m still not “over” my life being turned upside down two years ago. But I also feel like I can’t say that. Like I’m not supposed to say that. People expect me to be happy, to be relieved and grateful that the hysterectomy caught all of the cancer.

And of course I am. But there’s no denying that along with my reproductive organs, the hysterectomy took something else, some little spark of hope, of joy, of - I don’t know. Something that doesn’t sound so maudlin.

While I was struggling with dealing with the worst work experience I’ve ever had to deal with, the brain had no time to process anything else, I suppose. So when the new year rolled around and I realized that the birthday was coming back around I was caught by surprise by just how little I cared about it. For weeks at a time I even forgot all about it. And I know, many people behave that way and it’s nothing out of the ordinary for them but until two years ago that was way out of the ordinary for me.

The week begore my birthday I was driving somewhere when I thought, “Oh. It’s actually next week.” And then, like the sky clearing up after a storm I had a realization, “Oh,” I said to myself, “You’re depressed!” I almost laughed because i should have reliazed sooner - this isn’t new territory for me. And yet, it still has taken a month to shake the fog off and make a conscious decision to not let myself fall deeper into the pit. Sadly, the weight gain is the thing that has really scared me enough to make some changes. Shame I couldn’t have figured this out and resolved to get back on the right track before I gained I don’t even know how many pounds. I’m scared to step on the scale. Though given that I have a follow up with the oncologist on Tuesday I guess I’ll know soon enough just what the number on the scale is. Not looking forward to the embarrassing moment when they record the higher number in the system. But, hey, at least then I’ll know what I’m working with and as we all know, data is never a bad thing. She says, trying to find the humor and silver lining in all of this.

2 comment(s) | Filed under: Dailies | Health | Cancer

Friday, March 24, 2017

To Date or Not to Date

I decided in January to restart the online dating profiles even though I’m having doubts about trying to date. That’s nothing new, though. Every time I restart them I feel the same way. I don’t get out enough to say that I’m going to try and meet someone while I’m out and about so the online thing has been a go to for decades now and each time I do it with mixed feelings. This time, however, the ambivalence is fueled by more than the usual weariness of having to dig through superficial, typo-filled messages (assuming they are longer than “Hey” that is). This time, I don’t know how to answer the “Want to have children” box. So I’ve left it blank. I do, as we know, want to have children. But as we also know, if I can build a family, it’s going to be by going the adoption route. Most guys online that still want to have children are assuming that they’ll have them the old fashioned way. Perfectly natural thought so I’m not blaming them. It’s just awkward, is all I’m saying.

I went on a couple of dates earlier in the month. Prior to meeting the guy in real life, he actually asked me the kid question. I hesitated but then decided to share that I was hoping to adopt. He indicated that, although he’s raised a child, he wouldn’t be opposed to doing it again. “That’s promising,” I thought at the time. Several days and conversations later, I said something that clued him in to the fact that I was exploring adoption now, rather than waiting to find a guy, get in to a relationship and THEN adopt.

“Oh,” he said. “So this is something you’re doing now?” “Yes,” I said. “Is that a problem?” He took a beat and then said it wasn’t a problem. We talked for a few days and then had the two dates. Ultimately, I decided there wasn’t enough chemistry there to continue dating but the exchange about children just validate my insecurities, I think. Younger guys who want kids aren’t necessarily going to embrace the idea of not having their own biological children (generalizing here, obviously) and older guys who’ve had kids, biological or no, aren’t exactly jumping at the chance to raise more kids.

Maybe I’m just complicating my life by trying to date but, really, the adoption process could take as long as 2.5 years and, honestly, I’m a little tired (again) of being alone. It’d be nice to have someone in my life who cares about how my day went, someone to go on walks with, the movies, etc etc. All the boring, mundane, vitally important things that make up our days. Obligatory single woman disclaimer required here, right? I can do all those things alone. I do all those things alone just fine. It’s just, I’ve hit another time in my life when I just don’t want to. I’ll keep at it for a little while longer but it’s hard to have a great deal of enthusiasm about it all right now. Which doesn’t bode well for great results, does it? Oops.

3 comment(s) | Filed under: Adoption | Dailies

Saturday, February 11, 2017

The One Where I Went to an Adoption Seminar

Folks who have been reading me for a long time (or anyone who’s ever had more than a passing conversation with me) know that I have longed wished to have children. I kept putting it off because the time never seemed right, the money was never enough. When I was in a serious relationship, the topic would come up, I’d get excited and then things would just not work out. And, well, we know what happened two years ago (or if you’re new, the Cliff Notes: cancer resulting in a hysterectomy, resulting in infertility). I don’t even consider these last two years as lost years. I wasn’t in an the emotional space to try to follow up on an adoption.

Hell, I’m still not 100% sure. Having raised my sister, been a nanny, had countless babysitting gigs has taught me that raising a child, doing it thoughtfully and well, that takes effort and energy. The idea of doing it alone, it’s scary. This is definitely one of those moments where I think a little fear is a healthy thing. It proves to me that I know I’m not going into this blindly.

With my 45 birthday coming up in 2018, I’m at a point where, if I want to try and adopt a baby, I have to start the process now. So I went to an informational meeting. As I waited for the speakers to start, I looked through the packet until I got to the page that I was searching for. One that I was already quite familiar with as I would regularly look at the information on the agency’s website. It was the table detailing the cost of the home visit, the adoption, and the additional services. The numbers hadn’t changed, a good and a bad thing. They’re still high but, hey, they haven’t gotten higher so that’s something, no?

Part of my brain listened to the information and part of my brain did basic math. What’s in savings, what I’ll be getting from the job I’ve just left, what might need to be borrowed. I felt deflated. It all just seems so daunting. And then I heard a baby laugh. The speaker announced that a previous client was here to talk to us about her experience. Naturally, she’d brought her baby along. As soon as I saw the tiny person I knew. I knew what I’ve always known. There’s no way I don’t try this. The cost of the adoption is scary but this is why I moved in with friends three years ago. This is why I’ve cut back on everything that I could possibly cut back on, to pay down the debt I’d accumulated. I wanted to get to a place financially where this would be possible.

For as long as I can remember I’ve said there is only one regret I never want to have and that’s to not have tried to build my family. I used to say that way back when the possibility of my body failing me was never even considered because why would it?

The mother shared with us that she’d tried IVF and that with that process the question is all about the “if.” What if it doesn’t work the first time, the third time, the seventh time. She then said that adoption is all about the when. There’s no if. It’s just the waiting, waiting, waiting until you get the call. I don’t know how true that is, but I know this.

I want to believe it.

1 comment(s) | Filed under: Dailies

Monday, February 06, 2017

Be careful what you ask for

When I left a job back in 2004, I asked for a reference letter. The first draft that I received is below:

To Whom It May Concern:

Today we are losing one Patricia – can you say “’bout time?”

Patricia was unloaded on us about eight years ago from the Virginia “Big House.”  We unwittingly decided to participate in what was euphemistically called “Adopt a Felon Program,” with the promise that she would be a productive worker if not exactly of the human family. Another promise flushed down the toilet we call reality.

It wasn’t as if Patricia didn’t produce. In eight short years she produced four lawsuits, 200% staff turnover and some kind of rash that we can’t seem to get rid of…but then there was the actual work issue. She was consistent in taking a four hour lunch after appearing magically sometime around 11:00 AM to check her personal e-mails. She was always “out da door” by 4:00 PM, so we were able to commence anything constructive by about 4:15 PM.

Patricia had an interesting relationship with staff and members. Known well for wielding a Louisville Slugger to the temple of anyone who got in her way, she treated members with the same lack of compassion you’d associate with a psychopath on vitamins. It’s not that Patricia selected some poor souls for her wrath – everyone was included on her “joy mobile,” and all staff carried bludgeoning insurance.

We were afraid to ask Patricia to leave, but she has mercifully made this decision on her own. We look forward to a future of only minor bloodshed, an increase in property values and less attention from the Alexandria Police Department. Should you take a flyer on Patricia, you will be in our prayers.

Thank you for considering Patricia for a position on your team. We will be sending that cashier’s check for $150,000 as soon as it can be processed, and from this point on we will burn her records and turn her office into a “Let’s Save Humanity Before It’s Too Late” shrine. If you call and ask about her in the future, we never knew her, we never talked to her and we never took out “hits” on her life.

May our bad dream now haunt you. Thank you.

The Staff
Citizens of Alexandria
State of Virginia
All Humankind and assorted animals

I printed that on letterhead and have hung it at subsequent jobs.

As a going away present from my current job, I received an updated “reference letter” that I find absolutely hilarious.

February 14, 2017

To Whom It May Concern:

Today we are losing Patricia. Patricia was unloaded on us about six years ago from Virginia, and today, we are sending her back. She’s been released from service to the State of Maryland in order to return to the original scene of the crime - the great Commonwealth of Virginia.

It’s fitting that she leaves us effective today - considering it’s Valentine’s Day and the monopoly the day has on hearts, which is one of Patricia’s favorite things. They are everywhere - in her office, on her window, on HER. It’s like she’s trying to remind us all the time that she CARES. Yeah, yeah, we know.

Another irony is the letterhead on which this note is written. Patricia hounded us all mercilessly until we agreed to change the logo and then was instrumental in developing a style guide for us that’s been implemented with little success as you can tell. No one is really sure why the guide was needed - we all know that Comic Sans is the best font and really makes a statement. Patricia won’t be around to proofread for us anymore, so we are free to run wild with rogue fonts.

You will get an honest day’s work out of her - after she eats the cold bagel that she will toast and leave sitting in the toaster for 2-3 hours. Make sure that you have the right kind of notebooks and pens for her. She is probably set at the start - because of her admitted hoarding of office supplies, she most likely took all of ours when she cleaned her office.

So, Fairfax, thanks for taking her off our hands. It’s been way too long and you owe us big time. Pease keep her this time, as she can’t keep going back and forth like this. It’s ridiculous.

May our bad dream now haunt you. Thank you.

Sincerely,
The Staff of the Governor’s Office for Children
Inhabitants of Community Place
Citizens of Crownsville
State of Maryland
All Humankind and Assorted Animals

The absolutely evil joke of this latest letter is that it was printed using Comic Sans, which I absolutely detest. I can’t believe I have to hang something that uses Comic Sans.

0 comment(s) | Filed under: Dailies

Saturday, February 04, 2017

Who needs drugs?

books

I don’t drink, nor do I have any experience, really, with mind altering medications. I have no frame of reference, then, to speak about feeling high. I imagine it must feel a bit like the way I felt tonight (albeit amplified by a hundred degrees) when I was using my smart phone to inventory my books.

It was a matter of simply opening the scan app, pointing the camera at the bar code and waiting for the beep that let me know the code had been read correctly. Under a minute I scanned about 20 books. As a frame of reference, when I first used the Delicious Library app about a decade ago, it took me longer than a minute to look up a book online, find a link I could import into the system or do the entry manually. To say the very least, it was a tedious chore. But now, with the magic and wonder that is a paired iPhone, the work is no work at all. I can’t wait until I am able to unpack my many many books and scan them all in.

Even if my computer hadn’t died several years ago and taken my old inventory with it, I probably would have started from scratch. Between giving/selling books, misplacing them, adding new ones, sometimes it’s just better to start fresh than to cull through hundreds of listings to figure out what I have or don’t have.

There’s probably a lesson in there somewhere, isn’t there? Holding on to things can become as much a habit as anything else. As hard as it may be, perhaps it’s best to just close your eyes, open up the hand and let go. Or you could just neglect to back up your computer in a way that makes sense and just let nature run its course, letting an old drive die a natural (unexpected) death. Whichever seems the most appropriate to you.


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