Sunday, March 06, 2016


I turned 43 yesterday. For as long as I can remember, I have enjoyed my birthdays. Even when I didn’t have anything planned and spent the day alone which made me a bit sad, I still managed to feel generally happy about the day. This year there was no anticipation, there was no joy, just sadness.

It’s a strange place to be in to have to feel grateful that the fertility assessments were the things that made it possible to catch the endometrial cancer. There’s no way to know if I’d feel any less sad, any less lost and grief stricken if a regular doctor’s visit had caught the abnormal results. I just know that I spent a long time thinking that maybe this year would be the year that I’d have a baby or be trying for a baby. Instead, I’m just one year older, infertile, and living under a cloud of sadness. Which isn’t to say there aren’t good moments. Oh, there are. Thankfully a good many of them. Underneath those moments, however, are always the undercurrent of grief, sadness, and this vague sensation of being without purpose.

But, I’m still here, right? I’m a few months away from paying off a ridiculous amount of debt I’d racked up in the last decade and by this time next year I expect to be living on my own again. In the summer or early fall I’ll make appointments with the appropriate people and start exploring my adoption options so that too is something to be hopeful for. So there are things to look forward to. I just have to keep reminding myself of that and things will be - if not fine - at least okay.

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Helene at 12:42pm on 03/07/2016

I don’t want to say I understand and sound all “I understandy” and full of bullshit (who knows whether I really do understand? I think I took too many active-listening seminars: now I can’t speak at all without triple-questioning myself!), but… I somewhat understand, at least, partially… when I finally got pregnant I was at the stage where I didn’t know what direction to take in life if this baby thing wasn’t going to happen (life without a child was something I’d never envisioned). I was 36 and at a loss. I didn’t know whether I wanted to push things, fertility-treatment-wise. Then a miracle happened, or so it felt. And again this year, a miracle. I feel extremely lucky (and tired and sometimes at my wit’s end, etc.).

It makes me all warm and fuzzy to know you’re thinking of adopting. A child would be extraordinarily lucky to have you as their mom. It’s one of those few things in life that feel absolutely certain to me. You’ll be a great mother, Pea.

Debbie at 09:01am on 03/08/2016

I think the hope there is what matters.  From what I’ve read of you over the years, I think you could rock the mom gig, so I am crossing fingers that you make the adoption happen. 
Birthdays are a bummer.

Jules at 12:48pm on 03/08/2016

I’m with Debbie, certain you’d be a badass mom and I wish that for you in this coming year. In the meantime, you can join the OKAY IS THE NEW GREAT crowd. We’re pretty good at going doggedly forward when we want to lay down and cry.

And oh, Happy Birthday, Babe smile

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