Wednesday, August 01, 2018

It’s the Waiting, Stupid

I had a call with the social worker today; she asked me how things were going, if there had been any notable changes, how I’m handling the waiting.

Things are fine, I said. During the informational session the group was told that the adoption process could take as little as a few months or go on for a couple of years. All along I’ve been thinking it would take 2 years so that I’ve been waiting for seven months doesn’t trouble me. Tricks, they’re not just for kids. “It’s only been 7 months. I still have a year and a half to go!” It helps.

Where it doesn’t help, however, is in the job situation. It’s a fine enough job but it doesn’t keep the brain engaged like I would like. The old job - that was something else towards the end. The stress and anxiety proved to be too much for me to handle; that said, I felt a certain amount of satisfaction about the responsibility that I’d worked up to, the autonomy I had to make decisions, to lead a team. Leaving that and taking the job I did, it was a conscious choice, it was a necessary break. But I also knew that the slower pace would soon go from being a blessing to a bit of a chore and sure enough, here I am.

It’s hard though, to think about searching for something more because when (if? when.) I have a child, being able to leave work at work, not having to worry that I’m leaving things undone because I’m focusing on raising a child, not having to think about work on the weekends, all of that will be not just welcomed but necessary. So this is where the waiting is hard. If I were pregnant there would be a clear timeline - “In 9 months I’ll need the flexibility! I can deal with the slow pace for a little while longer.”

So right now I just don’t know. Is it 3 months, 9 months, 18? A lot of time is spent at work; it’s hard to go from day to day when I feel like I’m operating at 50%.

But, as I said to the social worker, if this is my biggest problem then I’m doing okay.

I said to a friend recently, “it’s a privileged position to be in, to expect a job to give us fulfillment. It’s a luxury.” I need to remember that. So many people don’t get the opportunity to be troubled by sometimes being bored at work, they’re so busy just getting by. So, yes, it’s an embarrassment to complain. Definitely have to remember that.

Filed under: Adoption | Dailies


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