Friday, March 24, 2017

To Date or Not to Date

I decided in January to restart the online dating profiles even though I’m having doubts about trying to date. That’s nothing new, though. Every time I restart them I feel the same way. I don’t get out enough to say that I’m going to try and meet someone while I’m out and about so the online thing has been a go to for decades now and each time I do it with mixed feelings. This time, however, the ambivalence is fueled by more than the usual weariness of having to dig through superficial, typo-filled messages (assuming they are longer than “Hey” that is). This time, I don’t know how to answer the “Want to have children” box. So I’ve left it blank. I do, as we know, want to have children. But as we also know, if I can build a family, it’s going to be by going the adoption route. Most guys online that still want to have children are assuming that they’ll have them the old fashioned way. Perfectly natural thought so I’m not blaming them. It’s just awkward, is all I’m saying.

I went on a couple of dates earlier in the month. Prior to meeting the guy in real life, he actually asked me the kid question. I hesitated but then decided to share that I was hoping to adopt. He indicated that, although he’s raised a child, he wouldn’t be opposed to doing it again. “That’s promising,” I thought at the time. Several days and conversations later, I said something that clued him in to the fact that I was exploring adoption now, rather than waiting to find a guy, get in to a relationship and THEN adopt.

“Oh,” he said. “So this is something you’re doing now?” “Yes,” I said. “Is that a problem?” He took a beat and then said it wasn’t a problem. We talked for a few days and then had the two dates. Ultimately, I decided there wasn’t enough chemistry there to continue dating but the exchange about children just validate my insecurities, I think. Younger guys who want kids aren’t necessarily going to embrace the idea of not having their own biological children (generalizing here, obviously) and older guys who’ve had kids, biological or no, aren’t exactly jumping at the chance to raise more kids.

Maybe I’m just complicating my life by trying to date but, really, the adoption process could take as long as 2.5 years and, honestly, I’m a little tired (again) of being alone. It’d be nice to have someone in my life who cares about how my day went, someone to go on walks with, the movies, etc etc. All the boring, mundane, vitally important things that make up our days. Obligatory single woman disclaimer required here, right? I can do all those things alone. I do all those things alone just fine. It’s just, I’ve hit another time in my life when I just don’t want to. I’ll keep at it for a little while longer but it’s hard to have a great deal of enthusiasm about it all right now. Which doesn’t bode well for great results, does it? Oops.

Filed under: Adoption | Dailies

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Helene at 01:34pm on 03/25/2017

I think the right man for you will understand the path you’re on and admire you all the more for it. I’m tempted to call you “very adult” in this post, ya know? But in a good way. In a very good way. ((((((((((((Pea)))))))))))

Patricia at 07:29pm on 03/28/2017

Thank you. I’m trying to be zen about it. We’ll see how things go. Not much I can do about it, after all, except trust that something good will come of all this mental effort and energy. smile

Helene at 08:21pm on 03/28/2017

My very personal experience, not representative of anyone else’s… was a young single dad who wasn’t opposed to more kids. Yet it took 7 years before we “tried”, and 10 before we had our daughter. And when I found out I was pregnant with our son I wasn’t sure how he’d react but he was happy and said he’d never be opposed to more kids. I think seeing how a man is with the kid(s) he already has can give you wonderful clues. Also I don’t hear in what you write that you’re necessarily looking for a father-for-your-child. A partner in your life, yes. For the rest, well, you’ll both see.

And the whole “of course you can and do do all of it alone”, well! That matters! Children don’t prevent/solve loneliness (I’ve found for myself, anyway)—they fill other voids and require other resources. Being your own person, *that* matters. In my own limited experience, I’ve also found being an older mom isn’t a disadvantage. We sure know who we are and what we want and where we’re going a whole lot more! (In my case it translated into a stubborn daughter who will no doubt rule the universe in no time… sorry about that, people! Just comply, it’ll be easier on everyone…) :-D

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