Thursday, September 08, 2016

Smile!

Not surprisingly, Hillary Clinton’s Humans of New York post resonated with me.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been told I’m intimidating, intense, unapproachable, unsociable and, the always favorite, bitchy. All because I’m not built to be everyone’s best friend. At times I’ve thought (though not any time in the recent past), “I should be nicer, softer. More people might like me then.” And then I’d remember that I have no patience for being something I’m not.

It’s easy to say one shouldn’t be thin-skinned or that words don’t matter but they do. Now, do they have to matter for ever? No, obviously not but it takes effort at times to shake something off. Having a sense of humor has helped and embracing the term bitchy as well. You’ve heard me say or seen me write that I always feel like I’m too much and yet not enough. That sentiment certainly has its roots firmly grounded in a lifetime of having to navigate a world where I’m expected to be independent, competent yet quiet and pleasing.

But don’t worry. All of the above was typed while I had a huge smile on my face.

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Friday, September 09, 2016

I Have Always Thought of You

If there has been a day when I haven’t thought of you, I don’t remember it.
I have considered your name
Your laugh
Your smile.
I looked forward to your hugs
And sticky hands making a mess on my clothes.
In my mind, I have decorated your room a dozen times over.

I had a closet full of toys that were meant to be passed down to you.
Three years ago I packed up a box full of them and sent them to someone who would hopefully love them as I dreamed you would.
The box also carried my tears.

How, I wondered, would I teach you two languages?

I always thought, I said today, I’d frame this map and hang it in my child’s room.

I dream of you over and over again,
The happiest moments are those early minutes of my day when you’ve not yet faded away.

People tell me, meaning well, that I shouldn’t give up waiting for you.
I kept a couple of toys for you just in case.
And I still consider names.
I have always thought of you.
And I wait.

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Thursday, September 22, 2016

Blogging, Thy Name is Awkward

On any platform, however, oversharing is considered taboo. Or else “awkward.” Awkward is a ubiquitous teen word to denote socially unsanctioned behavior. It usually implies first- or secondhand embarrassment when you or a friend step outside the rules. Awkward doesn’t sound overtly judgmental or negative; it’s deliberately vague.

The above comes from an article in Wired about teens and social media. I read it a day or two after posting my previous post. So I could do nothing else but laugh when I read that quote. The girls, I’m sure, if they were to ever see the raw, painful post about my wish for a baby would label it the very definition of awkward. I knew as I was writing it an subsequently deciding to post it that it would fall under the TMI side of most people’s scale but, for me, writing/blogging is about the raw and painful. It was never just about posting the bland, non-descript parts of the day to day. So, while I acknowledge that the previous post was full of angst, I’m more than okay with having posted it.

That self-consciousness is nothing I miss about growing up and growing into my own. I still have doubts, clearly. To paraphrase Steinbeck, “to be alive is to have doubts.” The trick is to figure out whether one should care about them or move on. That’s a life long lesson. Indeed.

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Wednesday, September 28, 2016

New With Tag

I’ve always liked pretty clothes but I haven’t always felt worthy of buying them for myself. Then a job promotion four years ago forced the hand a bit; I felt I needed to upgrade my wardrobe in anticipation of a more visible role. With the lack of plus size clothing in stores I turned to shops online to fill the closet. This has had mixed results. Because I am cheap thrifty, I rarely buy items at full price, choosing to wait, instead, for the sales. Often this means buying items during final sales which cannot be returned resulting in one of three things ... 1) the item fitting me just right, 2) the item being a tad small or, 3) the item being too big. The tad small items became aspirational and the too big items were destined for alterations.

Do you know how expensive alterations can be? I had no idea. After having two skirts altered I determined that that particular habit wasn’t something I could really do on any sort of regular basis. However, for a while I had no problems as I generally chose items that fit well.

Fast forward to spring 2015 (wait, is that a fast forward from four years ago or a rewind a year? Hmm, details. Moving on) when, after my hysterectomy, I went on a shopping spree that attempted to help me forget the cancer, hysterectomy, being left barren, etc. (Did I just etc the thing that still makes me cry every week? It appears I did. Go me!) When playing a numbers game, no matter the game, you end up with a higher probability of making mistakes. So, I ended up with way more un-returnable clothes than I had anticipated.

I didn’t really give it a lot of thought, however. I would wear the stuff the fit and put the rest in the closet. It wasn’t until I had to pack things for the recent move that I really got a sense of how much I’d bought and was unable to wear. I’d decided to donate big piles of clothes, many of the items still with tags or never worn, when I remembered that I’d seen someone on Twitter post something about shopping her closet. “Hmm,” I’d thought, “Maybe that’s something I should look into.”

That’s how I came to set up a “closet” on Poshmark, a site that lets you buy and sell new and used clothes.

poshmark

I was happy when several of my items moved within a couple of weeks of listing them on the app but nothing’s moved for days now.

As with anything online, this probably requires more energy and time than I’m wishing to give to it. At some point, obviously, my inventory would die down as I don’t see this making me enough money to turn over my wardrobe on any kind of regular basis. But I can see how bargain shoppers could make some money out of buying things on sale in stores and then listing them online. Too much work, as I said. For now, especially with the December vacation coming up soon, I’m happy to make any extra money I can, especially when it doesn’t require more than listing items that are basically just taking up space on my shelves.

If you have things you no longer want to have your in your rotation you should check out Poshmark.

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