Tuesday, January 31, 2017
I am angry.
I could make a list but really, it would start and end with the same thing:
I am angry at myself.
Roughly seventeen years ago someone told me that I should never hesitate to ask for what I want; without asking, she said, you won’t get it. Rarely do people anticipate your needs and give you want you want. Well, that last part she didn’t say, but I inferred. What she did say was that the worst thing someone can say is no and no doesn’t kill.
In the time that’s passed, I’ve tried to remember this lesson and I have had mixed results implementing it. The failures are harder to forget. Usually because the failing came in me forgetting, not in getting a negative response. When I assert myself and get what I want I think, “There, I did it. I learned it” until the next time when I don’t assert myself. It’s a thankfully sporadic cycle but an annoying one nonetheless.
So right now I am angry at myself. For a number of reasons. So I wonder, will this be the time that sticks? There’s no way of knowing, is there? Until the next time when I am faced with the opportunity to say, “I want that, I’ve earned it and I’m going to actually dare you to say no.” Ah. The audacity.
I’ve been contemplating a new tattoo. I had finally settled on a design but maybe I need to rethink it. Maybe I need to tattoo “Be audacious” on my forehead. Or, “No doesn’t kill.” At the very least, it would be a conversation starter.
And with this vague entry, the writing for 2017 begins. Compared to the previous three years, 2016 was quite successful in terms of blogging. But it’s hard to not improve when one goes from writing nothing for 36 months to writing something. I have a feeling things are gonna pick up around the blog in the next month or so. I’m looking forward to that. I hope you are too.