Monday, March 19, 2018

Is this thing on?

I’m a procrastinator. I always have been. I probably always will be. I have no trouble remembering late nights sitting on the closet floor, furiously typing away trying to finish a paper that was due the following day, the brain feverishly jumping from one point to the other, the words falling in line. Why the closet, you ask? Well, that’s not really the point of this story but I’ll grant you that that’s a curious point to skip over. No real mystery, I’m sorry to say. When you share a room with your younger sibling and you don’t want to be a rude MFer by keeping that sibling up because you couldn’t do your homework at a reasonable hour, you type in the closet.

I said to my father once that I got my procrastinating habits from him. He denied it. He didn’t deny being a procrastinator himself. Just that, wait for it - he hadn’t gotten around to passing that on to me yet. I groaned and laughed, equal parts amused and annoyed that I’d set him up with such an easy joke.


I do better at work. I have to. Funny thing, if you don’t do what you’re asked and told at work, it sometimes can have a negative impact on pay day. And I like getting paid. On my personal time? Even when it’s something I say/think/feel I want? It’s still tough. And it’s still tough after several decades of knowing that the feeling I get when I’m in the zone, as good as that feeling may be, it doesn’t last. That rush of near genius doesn’t at all make up for the days, weeks of dread that I make myself feel. After I’m done doing whatever thing needs doing, there’s a sense of relief, a lightening of the load, and un-tensing of the shoulders but neither the relief nor the dread are enough to make me change my ways. Mind you, not everything gets pushed down the road. I also don’t want to give the impression that nothing ever gets done but usually the things that make me drag my feet are the things that also require mental and emotional effort. Which makes sense I suppose.

I finished recording the video that will be used in the parent profile for the adoption last week, after putting it off for a bit (we’re going to go with a bit because I don’t necessarily want to share how long I took. Not yet anyway). This past weekend was the first weekend in several where I didn’t go into it thinking, “I HAVE GOT to do this tomorrow.” And then Saturday went and Sunday went and I spent the week annoyed and anxious I hadn’t done it. So there was this feeling of endless possibility this weekend. Of relief. Mixed with sincere hope that what I put on the camera will convince someone that I will make a good mother to her child. But I don’t let myself think too much about that because that is what it is and either it works or it doesn’t.

So instead I went to the movies on Saturday and saw Love, Simon which was lovely and sweet. On the way home I saw a sign on a local library that announced another book sale. “Hmm,” I thought. Because I have all these books on my crowded bookshelves and because I’m on some kind of budget, buying books isn’t really a thing I do much of anymore.

But, a library book sale, that’s no trouble at all! I thought. Plus, because I don’t really buy books anymore and because I don’t read as fast as I used to, I also don’t have many books to donate these days. So, it’s a win-win-win I told myself. I get cheap books to read, which I can donate AND (yes, here’s the third win) if I walk the mile and a half to the library I get some serious steps in!

Because I’m a better excuse maker and justifier than mathematician I neglected to consider how much more work the 1.5 mile walk back would be while carrying a bag full of books. But anything worth having is worth sweating for a little bit is what I’m supposed to say here, I think.

With 50 looming around the bend I find myself marveling at the fact that 50 and me will soon be something that goes together. So I say to myself that I should probably start behaving like a grown up, even if I don’t always feel like one. Which is a funny thing to think since if you ask my mother she’ll tell you I’ve been 80 years old since I was born. I’ve long said that I’m layered like an onion so I shouldn’t find it so hard to feel both too young to be this old and too old to be this young.

While I ponder that, I’ll try to write more and also get through some of these books. 

 

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Wednesday, March 28, 2018

I Think I’m Supposed to Hate Facebook

Now, hating Facebook isn’t a new thing. Hating Facebook is actually a requirement both for the people who use it and those that don’t it seems like. “It’s intrusive, it’s annoying, it enables people to share about all the stuff that no one gives one damn about!” Sheesh. Don’t you know? Well, now there’s even more of a reason to hate it. It allowed people the ability to use data in bad ways. I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to care about that, to have feelings, strong ones.

But, truly, the only feelings I have about it all is passive guilt. Because, yes, I’m not living under a rock so I’m aware of what’s going on. I’ve seen a few folks delete their accounts or talk about deleting their accounts so it makes me think that I should be indignant about this. That I should care about the breach and on some level I suppose I do. I do wonder how all these words we’re putting out into the great void, all the data we share is used, for us, against us.

I can’t quite seem to build up the proper level of ire, however. Which doesn’t at all translate to a great love of the social networking site either. Over the last year, perhaps two, I seem to be using it less. Or I share fewer things anyway. I still log in every day to see what folks are sharing. I hit the react “button” more often than I comment but I still get a sense of staying connected. People rail about that false sense of engagement and I understand it. I don’t confuse that superficial level of interactions with real, meaningful connections. But we may be at a point where we can’t turn back. I’ve tried in the last month or so to text friends more often and it sometimes feels a bit like pulling teeth. It’s hard to say if that’s a sign of the times or just a sign that, as an introvert, I tend to be friends with introverts. And we’re not exactly known for our mad communication habits.

More than anything else, I appreciate the ability to stay connected to family in El Salvador. For that alone I can’t really contemplate shutting the account down. I could join the chorus and rail against the machine but for better or worse this is the medium that is easier for my extended family to use so here we are.

I have been thinking for a while now though that I probably need to get into the habit of not using Facebook/Twitter/Google as a shortcut to signing into other websites. If I’m taking anything away from all of this is that there is such as a thing as being too connected.

In conclusion, I wish people went back to blogging. And I miss dynamic blogrolls. My, how very 2003.

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