Wednesday, August 01, 2018

It’s the Waiting, Stupid

I had a call with the social worker today; she asked me how things were going, if there had been any notable changes, how I’m handling the waiting.

Things are fine, I said. During the informational session the group was told that the adoption process could take as little as a few months or go on for a couple of years. All along I’ve been thinking it would take 2 years so that I’ve been waiting for seven months doesn’t trouble me. Tricks, they’re not just for kids. “It’s only been 7 months. I still have a year and a half to go!” It helps.

Where it doesn’t help, however, is in the job situation. It’s a fine enough job but it doesn’t keep the brain engaged like I would like. The old job - that was something else towards the end. The stress and anxiety proved to be too much for me to handle; that said, I felt a certain amount of satisfaction about the responsibility that I’d worked up to, the autonomy I had to make decisions, to lead a team. Leaving that and taking the job I did, it was a conscious choice, it was a necessary break. But I also knew that the slower pace would soon go from being a blessing to a bit of a chore and sure enough, here I am.

It’s hard though, to think about searching for something more because when (if? when.) I have a child, being able to leave work at work, not having to worry that I’m leaving things undone because I’m focusing on raising a child, not having to think about work on the weekends, all of that will be not just welcomed but necessary. So this is where the waiting is hard. If I were pregnant there would be a clear timeline - “In 9 months I’ll need the flexibility! I can deal with the slow pace for a little while longer.”

So right now I just don’t know. Is it 3 months, 9 months, 18? A lot of time is spent at work; it’s hard to go from day to day when I feel like I’m operating at 50%.

But, as I said to the social worker, if this is my biggest problem then I’m doing okay.

I said to a friend recently, “it’s a privileged position to be in, to expect a job to give us fulfillment. It’s a luxury.” I need to remember that. So many people don’t get the opportunity to be troubled by sometimes being bored at work, they’re so busy just getting by. So, yes, it’s an embarrassment to complain. Definitely have to remember that.

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Monday, August 27, 2018

Love is Love

photo of heart embroidery

photo of heart embroidery

It’s funny what you can do when you’re avoiding doing something else.

As I was sitting there, thinking about this thing that I should be doing, I looked around and noticed that things had piled up on the coffee table, the stack of mail was starting to lean and so I thought, “Well, here is something I can accomplish.” So I grabbed the stack of mail, retrieved the few pieces that actually mattered, set the rest on the recycle pile and then I moved on to the other things. I bought this cloth frame (let’s call it that although I’m not sure that’s the actual name for it) more than a year ago. It was on sale and the price was so low that even though I had no idea what I’d use it for it seemed crazy to not buy it. Today I looked at it and thought, “Maybe an outline of a heart for a quick ‘art piece’.”

After I’d back stitched a heart I stared at it and decided it was too minimalist to be anything so I decided to fill it in. Having never done embroidery before, I have no idea if the technique was anything “good” but it covered the area needed but it was still not enough. From somewhere I decided I would do a series of hearts of stacked hearts in Pride colors. That plan got switched out part way because the wooden frame would have made that a little hard to accomplish and several hours later, here we are.

It’s rough and part of me is okay with that; part of me wishes I was better at this. But that’s vanity talking, right? I just admitted that I’ve never embroidered anything so why would I think my first time, with no real preparation or study, would be anything but rough? Crazy.

That aside, still have to tackle the thing I was procrastinating on. But it’s past midnight now so that won’t be happening tonight.